The Skeleton Key is a new horror film starring Kate Hudson, John Hurt, and Gena Rowlands. This is your standard haunted house film, implausibly set in New Orleans, where we all know nothing scary has ever happened. I mean, why couldn't they have set the story against the backdrop of someplace truly ethereal, someplace rich with the influence of blended cultures and imbued with centuries-old mythologies of ghosts, voodoo, and vampires? Someplace like Detroit, maybe. But New Orleans? Please. Give us a little credit here.
In Son of the Mask, Jamie Kennedy is an aspiring cartoonist with a problem. His wife has just had a baby with superpowers, and the dog, an adorable Jack Russell terrier, is profoundly jealous of the attention the baby is getting. It doesn't help that the baby, who is able to catapult from room to room like Tarzan in the jungle, manages to get all his acts of wanton destruction blamed on the dog. So the dog heads down to the pub for a pint, and as he is stumbling home in a drunken stupor, he sees a peculiar object mostly covered by newspapers.
White Noise is the Lawrence of Arabia of our time. This is what I've gathered from the television reviews, which tell me the film is brilliant and heart-stopping. (Maybe brilliant in the way that our sun going supernova would be brilliant, and heart-stopping in the same way.) As part of my new tradition, I'm providing you with a fake review of White Noise, which I haven't seen and am not likely to see.
This is what I imagine the movie Saw is about. Keep in mind, I have no real basis for these speculations, other than what little I've gleaned from the ads.
The Dread Pirate Westley gets kidnapped and locked in a dingy, poorly lit room. Upon regaining consciousness, he discovers that his wrists and ankles are manacled. A note has been left at his feet, and it goes something like this:
"Hi there! You have been selected for an experiment in psychological torture! I've left you a saw so you can cut off one of your limbs and leave. Don't worry about a thing, though. There's an incredibly obvious flaw in my sinister plan that will allow you to escape."