Today's Topic #1: A Holiday Song Promoting Things Both Larcenous and Unethical.

Have you ever really thought about the lyrics of “The 12 Days of Christmas”? It's pretty bizarre stuff. First of all, half of the gifts bequeathed by the narrator's True Love are birds (swans, partridges, turtle doves, etc). Everyone knows that pets make terrible presents. They require a lot of responsibility, and it's not fair to the animals in question if their owners turn out to be too flaky to take care of them. The other half of the gifts from the song are people. Actual people. Are we talking about human trafficking here? How do you think the eight maids a-milking feel about being purchased for some random chick's Christmas gift? They're not thrilled, I can tell you that much. In fact, the only proper gift in the whole song is the set of five golden rings. (Even that is rather questionable. I've always suspected the rings were stolen.)

Today's Topic #2: Zombies.

A few nights ago I had another dream about zombies. This time I was in an enormous house, and there were a bunch of other people with me. We had managed to contain the zombies within the upper and lower level of the house, but of course zombies can't just be content with what they have, so they were trying to break through to where we were. We set out to fight them, arming ourselves with items from the kitchen. I killed several zombies with a small paring knife and also with one of those little pokey things that holds your corn-on-the-cob (more effective than you'd think). The interesting thing is that this is the first time I have actually fought back against zombies in a dream. Typically, I catch one glimpse of those brain junkies lumbering toward me and immediately bolt in the other direction. I guess now that I'm pregnant the stakes are higher?

Nick and I went for a second sonogram today to check on the baby's progress (all the growth measurements were normal). This first image shows our genteel little lady sucking her thumb (or picking her nose, we're not sure which).

This one makes it look like she's blowing smoke rings, doesn't it? Like maybe she's got a little hookah in there and she's just going to town with it? Well in reality those little bubbles are segments of the umbilical cord that's resting beside her.

This weekend Nick and I went out and purchased a baby stroller/car seat combo. Kinda neat, so we decided to strap Yellow Bear into it and try it out. (Yellow Bear was Nick's favorite stuffed animal as a kid.) We rolled it around the room a couple of times and Yellow Bear didn't complain, so I think we're going to deem the purchase a success.

What does music sound like to a fetus? It has to be fairly muffled, like listening to the car radio when you're curled up in the trunk. Sometimes I like to imagine our little girl as a miniature blues singer with a harmonica. Or maybe a Johnny Cash clone, whiling away the time in her hide-out until she can emerge and make her musical mark on the world:

I hear the heart a'beatin,'

It's comin' 'round the bend,

And I ain't seen the sunshine

Since I don't know when.

I'm stuck in Karen's belly,

And time keeps draggin' on . . .

Here are some freaky eyeball sugar cookies I made for Halloween. In case you're wondering, the irises are Life Savers and the pupils are chocolate chips. Yummy + terrifying = perfect.

For anyone interested, here's a video of the newest member of the family. The subject is currently in beta testing, with a scheduled release date of late February/early March.

One day I went outside, absolutely convinced that there was some kind of decomposing plant matter nearby. I could smell it everywhere, pungent and rotten-smelling. But when I dragged Nick out to verify it, he wasn't able to smell anything at all.

I don't know how it's possible to be this overheated all of the time. Sometimes my face feels like the Nazis at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark.

So my body is building a home for the baby, and it's apparently doing it 24/7 based on the symptoms I've been experiencing. Don't they have unions in the uterus? Seriously. Someone's getting overworked.

Flavors are all wrong. I also have a terrible aftertaste following every meal, drink, or snack. What's with that? It's like I taste every flavor, and then I taste the haunted carnival version of the flavor. It's the same basic taste, but all sinister and unpleasant.

Wouldn't it be cool if there were educational tapes and videos that you could use to teach the baby about the world while it was still in the womb? You know, like in Superman.