Thank you, dear Committee members. Thank you for alerting us that Matt Damon is this year's sexiest man alive. I can never decide for myself, so every year I find myself eagerly awaiting your opinion on the subject. No really. Your insights are a beacon of light in an increasingly dreary world.

Okay, okay okay . . . let me just set the snarkiness aside for a moment. The thing is, I don't actually have a problem with Matt Damon per se (aren't you impressed by my use of Latin?), but why does it always seem to be the same three guys cycling in and out of the winner slot? Matt Damon. George Clooney. Brad Pitt. Matt Damon. George Clooney. Brad Pitt. Matt Damon. George Clooney. And...Mark Ruffalo? Ha! Just kidding. It's Brad Pitt again.

Boring.

Why not choose someone a little edgier? Why not choose someone new, or at least new to your more mainstream readers? Alan Tudyk, for example. The guy's adorable. Or why not someone capable of portraying a crazy person with uncanny skill, like Jeremy Davies or John Turturro? Or what about just giving it to Benicio del Toro? I hear he can flip you.

Also, the men you choose have been around Hollywood for awhile, so they're safe choices. You might as well be nominating Tony Curtis. (Wait, he's still alive, isn't he?) Anyway my point is, there are plenty of less predictable choices--many of them traditionally attractive--who would be suitable alternatives to the Damon/Clooney/Pitt trifecta. Jake Gyllenhaal. Mos Def. Jet Li. And you all know how I feel about Christian Bale. He's the more attractive, more successful brother I never had.

Nick and I were discussing this at the grocery store recently, and we decided that the one guy who's really overdue for this title is Bruce Campbell. Come on, Committee members. Here's a guy who's so masculine he's almost a caricature of masculinity. He's cartoonishly masculine, really...one of the few actors I've seen who literally has a lantern jaw. Plus, he has a tremendous sense of humor about himself, which is what sexiness is all about, right? Why doesn't he ever win? His work in Bubba Ho-Tep should qualify him, hands down.

One last thought. I'd recommend choosing someone who's not an actor for once. Believe it or not, there are plenty of sexy people in the world who don't live in Hollywood. I once saw a guy on the London Tube who was hotter than any of your previous winners, and he was wearing a kilt. Maybe you could consider picking a musician one year (Jack White). Or a slightly geriatric linguist (Noam Chomsky). Or even a physicist (*cough* Brian Greene *cough*).

Think it over, will you? Someday I might even consider buying your magazine.