Haiku is an ancient form of poetry that is governed by a tremendous number of rules and conventions. (The 5-7-5 form we all learned in school is only one possible variation.) As heavily dictated as the form is, however, the true purpose of a haiku is of course to provide insight about the world in a concise and aesthetically pleasing package. A mouthful of meaning, you might say. A successful haiku often has deep ontological implications and can be a highly instructive tool for attaining personal enlightenment. With this in mind, I have carefully penned some haikus that are vehicles for my own slightly warped observations. Bear with me and I think you'll see that I have abused not only the form of haiku, but the spirit behind it as well. Cheers!

Haikus About Food

Mutant tuna fish
Bring terror to the market;
Vampires of the sea.

Haikus About Fashion

Those Ugg boots make me
Think of cavemen with long hair
Dying in peat bogs.

Haikus About Entertainment

Cage match: Jon Stewart
And Tucker Carlson. Two men
Enter. One man leaves.

The Shining scares me.
Still. And will someone please get
Those twins a Band-aid?

Good Night, and Good Luck
Was great! Thank God there are no
Modern parallels.

In Syriana
The "hero" is a killer.
Go, assassin, go.

Steven Spielberg has
Two settings for film-making:
War and aliens.

Haikus About Classic Television

Faceman was pretty,
But Murdock was the best.
Sockie for the win.

Diff'rent Strokes was a
Breeding ground for child stars who
Turned to crime and porn.

Haikus About Current Television

The new Battlestar
Galactica rocks, but I
Miss the robot dog.

Shake for President.
Meatwad for Secretary
Of Agriculture.

Haikus About the Grocery Store Guy

Okay, where are the
Freakin' olives? How can you
Work here and not know?

Haikus About Historical Figures

Henry the Eighth wed
Three chicks named Catherine. Guess
Anne and Jane were flukes.

Vlad the Impaler
Would have made a great contes-
tant on Fear Factor.

Napoleon might
Have been nicer if he ate
The snack named for him.

Haikus About Political Figures

So next week is the
State of the Union address.
Don't get me started.

I love James Carville.
He's like the crazy guy on
The corner who yells.