As I was taking a bath the other night, I started thinking about superheroes and how they are really archetypal figures in our culture, born of the same thirst for salvation and meaning that brings a lot of people to religion. I mean, it's kind of true, isn't it? Whether people choose to acknowledge it or not, lionization and celebration of superheroes is just a less direct form of worship. After all, superheroes do model value systems for us. It's more than just escapism; their lifestyles and behaviors reflect the deepest desires of our souls. And as I lathered my hair with body soap by accident, some specific similarities sprang to mind. So for your edification and enjoyment, here's a quick run-down of what religions roughly correlate to which superhero (at least according to my warped, scattered, and largely witless worldview).

Superman = Roman Catholicism. There's really no way around this. Superman is the big daddy of superheroes, a figure so fixed in our minds that we cannot imagine a world without him. It's all about the magic and the mystery with Superman; we understand him through symbols, because we can never attain true knowledge of him. If there's something you need from him, you will need to ask for Lois Lane's intercession. Oh, and consider this: he is a being from another world whose father sent him to save the poor lost souls of Earth. After he was killed (saving Metropolis from a creature called Doomsday), he returned to the city, leaving behind an empty tomb. This is pretty much a huge neon sign flashing in our faces: "Christ symbol! Christ symbol!" Also, the Superman legend is fairly resistant to change. Not that I am implying this has ever been the case with Roman Catholicism. Just ask Galileo if he appreciates being exonerated for his Copernican views some 350 years after the fact. I'm sure he's cool with it.

Batman. Hmm, slightly tricky. My first thought was that Batman was like Superman after the Reformation, but that's not quite accurate. The more I think about it, the more I think that his legacy has more in common with Buddhist/Taoist principles than those of Protestantism. For one thing, his whole existence is anchored in the understanding that all is transient, and that life is suffering. He came to this understanding early, with the death of his parents. Like the Buddha, Batman was a child of privilege who learned the importance of self-sacrifice, as well as the inability of worldly comforts to provide succor to the soul. As for the Buddhist emphasis on non-violence and asceticism . . . well, let's not go into that. It doesn't exactly jive with my previous conclusions and is therefore better ignored.

Wonder Woman = Greek polytheism. Obviously.

X-Men. For the most part, these guys tend toward Neo-Paganism and New Age thought. There's an emphasis on the evolution of the individual (not to mention the species), and many of the heroes have powers that are drawn from natural forces (Storm, Magneto, etc). There is, however, no crystal worshipping. That I know of.

Darkman = Vodun, or Voodoo. Darkman basically comes back from the dead in order to get revenge against his wrongdoers. Shapeshifting also plays a large role in his ensuing career (through the use of temporary masks of his own construction and his strategic use of synthetic skin).

The Justice League = the Norse pantheon of warrior gods.

The Fantastic Four = Shinto. Trust me on this.

Judge Dredd = I'm gonna have to go with the Gideons for this one, counterintutive as it may sound. Just remember that Gideon was one of the Hebrew judges discussed in the Old Testament. Like most of these Judges, he engaged in less than peacable behavior in the name of Jehovah. Now that I think of it, the Gideon moniker could also apply to the Punisher.

Of course, the realm of superheroes includes a large amount of fetishism, in that many superheroes have powers stemming from magical objects, like Green Lantern's ring or Wonder Woman's magic lasso. This is in keeping with the religious practices of the Egyptians, the Pre-Columbian peoples, and certain Native American tribes.

So in conclusion, it is my belief that superheroes are derived from extant spiritual traditions and are born from the generalized human desire for external salvation.

P.S. Please don't write me to complain about any of my ridiculous assertions. By now it should be apparent to everyone that I have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about. I mean, seriously. I can't even find my shampoo when I need it.