The Rolling Stones are on tour again. Can you believe it? These notorious bad boys are well into their 60s, and yet they are embarking on another cash-infused circuit around the country. Once again, Mick Jagger will strut around a stage, his lips still puffy from those childhood bee stings, and regale the audience with "Jumpin' Jack Flash" for the one hundred millionth time. Their musical inspiration may have languished somewhat in recent decades, but their unflagging stamina and determination defies all logic. There is only one conclusion to draw:

They are the Undead.

Please know that I'm not talking about zombies. As you all know by now, I love zombies. Zombies are funny. They are like cavemen with rheumatism, lumbering about in search of brains, brains, brains (the reason for this is that most of them have the IQ of a Beernut). Any society that is able to avoid stupid, panicky mistakes should be able to deal with a herd of marauding zombies in short order. No, what I'm talking about is vampires. Vampires are smart. They are the Mensa brats of the monster world, and if they are organized, they can pose a serious problem to the survival of the human race. This is why we must keep a very close eye on the Rolling Stones.

I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but the implementation of certain screening procedures on their tours seems to confirm my view. At all shows, for example, concert-goers are being frisked upon entry to the venue. They are not being checked for cameras or traditional weapons, however. Instead, their pockets are emptied of crosses and other Christian memorabilia. Those who have eaten garlic in the past few days are forced to wear a neon wristband. Bottles of water are examined closely, and one young man was even ejected from a concert not long ago when it was thought that he was wearing a clerical collar. It's all very sinister.

Of course, this is a difficult theory to prove. One certainly can't go by their appearance. Vampires are typically youthful looking, but every member of the Stones looks like Phyllis Diller after a combine accident. It's my guess that the youth effect wears off a few hours after the blood is consumed; however, I have no credible information to support this conjecture. And then there's the issue of why they are driven to tour at all, when so many of their peers are donning white socks and shuffleboarding in Florida. Some might say that their persistence is due to a sense of immediacy gleaned from their advancing years. Perhaps they keep rocking because at their back "they always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near." It's possible. But I think it's more likely they're out for blood.

Here's a quick vampire checklist for reference:

Do the subjects emerge only at night?

Check.

Do the subjects live a generally decadent lifestyle?

Check.

Do the subjects revel in the seduction of young, adoring women who might be utilized as blood sources?

Check.

I think it's pretty clear from the checklist that my assumptions are correct. Why haven't we heard about this before? How could a secret of this magnitude be concealed from the American public? Well, as I think we've seen, the public is predisposed to believe only those facts that jive with their pre-existing schemas about the world. The Rolling Stones are a beloved institution, and it will be tough to convince people that they mean us harm. But this is exactly what all persons of conscience must do, because until the nation awakens to the danger, this malevolent crew of vampires will continue to prowl the nation, feasting on the blood of innocent music enthusiasts.

Please help. Call 1-800-MICK-IS-UNDEAD, and find out what you can do today. Operators are standing by.