I have compiled your itineraries. Your summer activities will likely include:

1. Reading at least 20 super-easy picture books so you can qualify for the Book-It pizza party without much effort
2. Basting yourself in coconut oil and climbing into the kiln
3. Barbecuing ill-tempered penguins
4. Applying temporary skull-and-crossbones tattoos to eyelids
5. Playing kid-friendly, non-grave-robbing version of Ghosts in the Graveyard
6. Purchasing self-adhesive prosthetic six-pack for a day at the near-sighted nudist beach
7. Drinking enough beer to fill that huge can outside the Coors brewery
8. Drunken Red Rover
9. Drunken lawn darts
10. Drunken tug-of-war with Uncle Fred's toupee (hippie braids will also work)
11. Sending blood-inked love letters to Johnny Knoxville
12. Playing Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith, which entails throwing youngest brother in pit of lava and fashioning a robotic suit for him to wear
13. Family vacation to see the World's Largest Prairie Dog, followed by Carhenge
14. Scavenger hunt for ticks in Katie's hair
15. CPR lessons, hopefully taught by that hot lifeguard with the lazy eye
16. St. Novak's Summer Camp for Boys Who Want to Adopt Oppressive Patriarchal Ideologies
17. Chicken-bladder kickball
18. Submitting self to a condition of starved delirium until finished with new Harry Potter book and able to step out blinking into the harsh sunlight again