Sweet fancy Moses, the aliens are attacking! There's a spaceship hovering over Lawrence, and I've got a pretty good idea that those are laser beams shooting out of the side of it. Even as I watch the town hall get incinerated, I can't help noticing that the lasers look a little bit like disco lights. How sad, that disco may be the last thing I ever think about. I have to think about something else real fast—something cooler—so that my last thought will be a good one! Let's see...um...Morrissey! I love Morrissey. My last thought will be of Morrissey! Or Miller's Crossing, maybe. That's a great, great movie with Gabriel Byrne and Steve Buscemi who was funny as the serial killer in that one movie, Con-Air, or whatever. No! Con-Air can't be my last thought! Crap, Karen, think of something else! Man, those little Jetsons cars shooting out of the spaceship look cool. I can almost see what the aliens look like through the bubble glass at the top. Let me just climb atop this pile of rubble that used to be my house so I can get a better view. Yeah, that's better. Oh, they look just like the guys in Flash Gordon, with the bald heads, fu manchus, and crazy high collars! Who would have thought, after all the cinematic mutations aliens have gone through since the invention of sci-fi, and they turn out to look just like the guys in Flash Gordon! Maybe if I wave at them, they'll think I'm one of them and come down to rescue me. I'd have to wing it from there, of course, and they probably don't know English, but still, it's a start. Oh wait, though, that'd make me an alien collaborator! I can't do that, I can't betray my whole race for the sake of my personal safety. That's just not cool. But then maybe it's all a mistake in the first place. Maybe they are accidentally attacking the wrong planet, or they just need someone to explain to them that Earthlings aren't so bad once you get to know them. Okay, so I'm waving at them now. Not that panicky, stranded-on-a-desert-island-kind waving, but the kind that looks friendly and casual, like "heya neighbor, mind if I come over and borrow some plutonium?" Looks like one of those little Jetson ships is coming this way. Oh my lord they're firing at me they're firing that narrow gun thing! No wait, that was just the windshield wipers cleaning off some bird scat. Whew, that's a relief. I can't believe I'm still alive. I can't believe the grocery store near my house has just been destroyed. Funny, there's a crate of milk sitting there totally untouched in the middle of the rubble. I think when they pick me up I'll do some recon work under the guise of collaboration. I hope they're at least reasonably pleasant to me and not the sort of aliens that are into the probe thing. Wow, I can't believe it took me this long to think about that, but it's too late to back out because the ship is landing right next to me. Ok, the Flash Gordon guy is getting out and walking stiffly over toward me. I wonder if these guys even have joints. And I bet when they speak they have robotic-sounding voices and don't use contractions. Is he smiling? Maybe where they come from, smiling is like frowning. He greets me by slapping my shoulder hard and then hands me a manual. He then begins pointing at various knobs and deely-bobbers inside the little Jetson ship, looking at me periodically as if assessing my reaction. I'm doing my best to look enthusiastic, but this is really, really weird. Suddenly, it's clear to me. He's a used spaceship salesman. This is sooo cool, but I wonder what they use for currency. I'm holding out some money from my wallet, but the salesman only looks puzzled. He shakes his head and gestures at my watch (a cheap digital with rubber straps). I hand it to him without thinking and he hands me the keys. After a couple of false starts, the ship kicks into gear and lifts into the air. And now I'm reeling around, doing donuts in the air over the ruins of Lawrence. This baby is hella responsive. Talk about a sweet ride!