Like every baby boomer, George W. Bush is a lover of music. In particular, he listens to Joni Mitchell, the Bee Gees, George Jones, George Clinton, Zamfir (Master of the Pan Flute), and the Knack.

Vincent Van Gogh liked peanut butter sandwiches. It's a fact. This is why he used such thick swaths of paint in his work. It made him feel like he was painting with peanut butter. Sometimes he ingested the paint, and this may have contributed to the schizo behavior reported by his contemporaries. (Especially that business about cutting off his ear to spite his face.)

Sometime soon, the New York City subway system may become automated. Officials have authorized a test program on one of their shorter lines that will render the trains fully automated, without need for drivers or conductors. If successful, the system may be implemented citywide. Critics, however, fear that this will cause more short stories to be written about evil runaway subway trains.

Little robot-like guys made from pipes suffer from urinary incontinence. (Seriously, they do. Watch the commercial.)

You will soon be able to buy your own talking Jesus doll. Other dolls in the series include such biblical headliners as Moses, the Virgin Mary, and King David. Aside from possible conflicts with the second comandment and a probable resurgence of the Cult of Mary, I find it comical that the dolls are so absolutely lily white. There just weren't that many Caucasian-complected folks in the Holy Land 2,000 years ago. Maybe one of the things the Jesus doll says is "Hi kids! I may look as white as your Uncle Cletus right now, but I was actually born with very dark skin." In addition, I see lots of blasphemy in our children's future. Have you ever seen a little kid playing with dolls? The second an adult leaves the room, the dolls start making out. This is bad enough with Barbies, but with biblical figures? That's pretty much a direct line to hell.

In a startling break with tradition, the IRS has announced that for this tax season, April 2005, they will be offering tax payment alternatives. Unlike previous years, in which the only acceptible unit of payment was American currency, you will be able to give the government your mint-condition rookie baseball cards, the Hostess cupcakes from your lunchbox, and your best marble shooter.

On Friday, the remake of The Amityville Horror will open in theaters. The ads still refer to this dubious story as a "true" one, just as the book did when it was published in 1978, even though the family revealed a number of years ago that they made the whole thing up. This time around, the cast will include Tobey Maguire, Kirsten Dunst, James Franco, Alfred Molina, and Rosemary Harris. Margot Kidder will reprise her role as the family priest. Tom Arnold will provide the voice of the evil pig apparition.