Here's the commercial for xXx: State of the Union, starring Ice Cube. Nameless government flunkie: "Can you protect the president?" Ice Cube: "There's only one way to find out." Does this strike anyone as odd? Somehow, I don't think the U.S. Secret Service would deem that an adequate response. But whatever—it's an action movie. And besides, who can pay attention to issues of logic when there is so much freaky-cool fighting going on? Just when you start to parse what the action hero said—enough to realize that the phrase, "Yeah, and you'll go get me a pizza" doesn't make a lot of sense in context—you're jolted out of your rumination by the glorious spectacle of a speedboat exploding.

In order to glean more information about this blockbuster-to-be, I interviewed a person who was intimately involved in the filming of xXx: State of the Union. For the sake of privacy (his own and his family's), he wishes to be kept anonymous. Here's what he had to say.

Q. What happened to Vin Diesel?

A. Diesel had too much Stallone-style elocution with a kind of oversexed Brando thing going on. He went out for lattes one morning and we replaced him.

Q. Why is the middle x capitalized while the flanking x's are not?

A. For symmetry's sake.

Q. The first triple-X film was stylized, neo-Bond trash, but at least it felt up to date. How have the filmmakers ensured that the second triple-X film feels relevant to today's audience?

A. We've included a lot of references to patriotism. Supporting the president no matter what. You know, that kind of thing. And did you notice that we've included the phrase "state of the union" in the title? You can't get more patriotic than that.

Q. What is Ice Cube like to work with? What sort of an actor is he?

A. Ice Cube is a delightful person. He ordered pina coladas every day on the set. Lee [Tamahori, director] would say "take five, everybody" and before he could even get the full sentence out Ice Cube would be shouting at his assistant to get him a pina colada. He's a pina colada junkie! And they had to have those little umbrellas in them, too, don't ask me why. [Laughing.] He's also a method actor. This means that he did some extremely dangerous international espionage for the 10 months prior to production in order to familiarize himself with the way secret military operations are actually conducted. He's a very dedicated actor.

Q. What genre films is xXx modeling itself after? Is it more in keeping with the Tom Clancy adaptations or your average Wil Smith film?

A. We like to think that the film is unlike anything you've ever seen before. It'll be like the first time anyone ever saw a Picasso.

Q. So there's sort of a fractured, Cubist spirit driving the film?

A. Oh, absolutely. The Cubans have a great history of filmmaking.

Hope this interview was helpful to all of you who are slobbering at the prospect of an utterly groundbreaking action film. I'm predicting that this film will usher in a second full-fledged Renaissance period, one filled with the artistry of action films rather than stuffy Raphael portraits of madonnas and angels. See you at the theater!