Hi there. Ordinarily I wouldn't take up your time with this kind of thing, but I have a fantastic idea that I think would be a financial windfall for everyone involved. No, it's not some crazy pyramid scheme involving the sale of herbal supplements or sunflower seed casings that are supposed to purify your chakras or something. Perish the thought. What I have in mind is much more practical and doesn't require turning all your friends against you. Still interested? That's what I thought.

Here's the thing. Ordinary weddings are a thing of the past. These days, what people really want is a memorable, distinctive ceremony that will make their friends gnash their teeth with envy. I've thought up just such an idea and, if you don't mind me saying so, it's truly brilliant. I'm not the type to shamelessly self-promote, but this idea is so good it transcends all issues of vanity. You might even say it's my moral responsibility to share it with the world. So here goes. My idea—and I hope you're sitting down—is to conduct mobile weddings. That's right, mobile weddings. Weddings on the go, for the caffeine- and meth-fueled generation of today. What better way to express the inexpressible zeitgeist of 21st century life? I'm telling you, this could be the beginning of a second Renaissance period. As for the vehicle itself—anyone can rent a limousine. But what about an antediluvian Ford Pinto? An old, battered, dinged-up, paintless Ford Pinto straight from the junkyard? This adds an element of camp to the wedding that will inspire undying admiration in your hipster friends. Also, because it's a Pinto, there's the exhilaration of taking your life in your hands. There's always the possibility of being rear-ended during the ceremony, and the subsequent romance of a Romeo-and-Juliet-style double-death scenario. What do you get when you combine love with the hazards of vehicular unpredictability? A pure distillation of life, that's what.

The couple can sit in the back, with the minister or officiant conducting the nuptials in the front passenger seat. And here's the money shot. Picture this—Erik Estrada is driving. Huh? Huh? Erik Estrada? Do you love it? I knew you would. And it doesn't stop with Mr. Estrada, either. Trust me, there is an untapped bonanza of B-list celebrities out there who would be thrilled to participate in a project of this artistic magnitude. Frank Stallone, Coochie-coochie girl Charo, Alex Winter, Bonnie Franklin, Ron Palillo, and Tom Jones (he would totally do it) are all prime candidates. As a bonus, if you really wished to fondle the cash cow, you could turn the whole thing into a reality show. You'll be burning piles of money for fun in no time at all!

Imagine a group of couples sitting around at a dinner party, sipping chardonnay. Each couple is regaling everyone with stories about their wedding. Biff and Betty say they got married in Hawaii. Bor-ing. Jim and Julie tell about how they got married in space. Ho hum. And then it gets to Esmeralda and Archibald, who explain that they were married in an ancient Ford Pinto driven by Howard Hesseman. Everyone is breathless. The air becomes electric, and the social net worth of the couple goes through the roof! Think of the possibilities!

So this is how it works. I'll get together a motorcade of Pintos if you guys recruit the B-list celebrities. What do you say? Mobile Weddings, Inc. Everyone will love it. I know it, you know it, and the American people know it.

Thanks for your time.