My recent flight to Atlanta was an uneventful one. However, when I reached my destination, threw off my pants, and exhaustedly opened my suitcase to retrieve my jammies, there was a small innocuous-looking piece of paper on top. It was a note from the Transportation Security Administration telling me they'd just been looking through all my personal belongings. And laughing. "Man, I didn't know anyone used conditioner anymore," they were saying. "And what is up with that sweater? Could she be any more of a fashion victim?" I've never gotten one of these notices before, so I read it thoroughly and tried to figure out what they had moved around. (Honestly, they did a good job of replacing things as they had been.)
I don't really have a problem with this procedure, even though it's kind of an annoyance. After all, I've been to the airport at Tel Aviv (which I've heard has the tightest security in the world), and believe me, they search everything. They go through your stuff slowly and deliberately, asking you about the intended use of all sorts everyday items. They take out your toothpaste and manipulate the tube to see if you've hidden anything inside. They ask if there's anything in the bag you don't recognize. Leaving the airport in Tel Aviv, you feel pretty sure that nothing bad could get through. Ever. (By the way, don't even think of smuggling oranges from Jaffa.) I don't so much get that warm, confident feeling at American airports, though. Mostly, it seems that the screeners are focusing on the wrong sorts of things, inconveniencing ordinary people without providing any real payoff in terms of security. But whatever. I'm glad they do it, I guess.
Below, I have written out the text (and subtext) of this friendly message from the TSA, who are making us all safer, one diaper bag at a time.
NOTICE OF BAGGAGE INSPECTION
"To protect you and your fellow passengers, the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) is required by law to inspect all checked baggage. [Where 'inspect' is defined as funneling the bag through an x-ray machine while flipping through an old copy of Maxim.] As part of this process, some bags are opened and physically inspected. [As opposed to that mental inspection process, which is much trickier and more time consuming.] Your bag was among those selected for physical inspection. [Maybe next time you won't plaster a huge skull-and-crossbones patch onto your luggage. Idiot.]
"During the inspection, your bag and its contents may have been searched for prohibited items. [Like flame throwers, machetes, cocaine, Twinkies, carburetors, books by Noam Chomsky, and anything Art Deco.] At the completion of the inspection, the contents were returned to your bag. [Your electric ear cleaner was placed neatly inside your shoe, just the way we found it.]
"If the TSA screener was unable to open your bag for inspection because it was locked, the screener may have been forced to break the locks on your bag. [This caused us a great deal of mental anguish at first, but then we summoned the cold-blooded apathy that served us so well in our previous career as bank robber. After a while, we began to enjoy breaking the locks. Sounds sick, doesn't it? Our therapists certainly think so. But we believe sometimes people who hold certain jobs have to have a little moral flexibility in order to be good at what they do. If our perverse pleasure in looking at your belongings results in greater safety for all the passengers on an aircraft, then it's worth it, don't you think? Well, don't you?] TSA sincerely regrets having to do this [that is, we regret that we weren't able to break your locks more than once], however TSA is not liable for damage to your locks resulting from this necessary security precaution. [Just like we're not liable for fashioning a big happy face out of shaving cream on your best trousers. Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!]
"We appreciate your understanding and cooperation. If you have questions, comments, or concerns, please feel free to contact the TSA Contact Center. [At which point we will laugh until we choke, and then promptly enter you into the database of terrorists. You will never fly again. Buh-bye now.]