Well, the world is in chaos, and that means it's time for us to focus on something frivolous again. Enter the 77th Annual Academy Awards! Here are my extremely well-informed predictions about the event. I would love to explain why they are well informed, but I don't want to reveal too much about my connections. There are those who would call me a Hollywood Insider. However, I'm not the kind of woman to use name dropping in order to garner the respect of my readers. You may judge for yourself. Like I was saying to John Leguizamo the other day, "you've got to stand up on your own merits, and not let other people engineer the choo-choo train of your creativity."

Actor in a leading role:
Robert Englund—Freddy versus Jason

Actor in a supporting role:
Ken Kirzinger (Jason Voorhees)—Freddy versus Jason

Actress in a leading role:
Karen Black—Burnt Offerings. Okay, so this isn't exactly a recent movie (1976), but Karen Black's bizarre hair and scary eyes paralyzed me with fear before the family even got to the haunted house. That's good acting, right there.

Actress in a supporting role:
Either woman from Sideways. Does it really matter which? They were just scenery pieces anyway. Might as well give the Oscar to a box of pinot.

Animated feature:
10 consecutive episodes of Sealab 2021, including that one where Captain Murphy gets trapped beneath the Bebop Cola machine. ("And I think to myself...I need exact change.")

Cinematography:
The Tao of Pong. This movie isn't about the video game. It's about ping-pong. Truth is, I haven't seen it. But I want to.

Costume design:
Those guys with the vintage store—Napoleon Dynamite. That burnt sienna suit was an inspiration to us all. Pedro for President.

Best director:
Karen Vaughn—the production of Lord of the Rings: Return of the King that I conducted with my Fisher Price people when I was seven. Also best actress nominee, for voicing multiple roles.

Music (original score):
Rivers Cuomo—Jimmy Carter Live!

Music (song):
Randy Newman—"Eat a Sandwich or Something," from The Machinist

Best picture:
That one Imax movie about the Mount Everest climbers

Visual effects:
It's a tie between Godzilla, Mothra, and King Ghidorah: Giant Monsters All-Out Attack and ABBA: Our Last Video Ever

Writing (adapted screenplay):
John Grisham—Love in the Time of Pulpy Legal Novels. Wait, did I dream that?

Writing (original screenplay):
Kiyoshi Kurosawa—Ghost Cop!

Now, then. I can't promise that these predictions will be 100 percent accurate. Don't bet the farm on them or anything. But like I was saying to Patrick Swayze last week at Applebee's, "you do the best you can with what you're given."