Highlights from the State of the Union

Fri, 04 Feb 2005 08:34:00 -0600

The tax code is archaic. It will be replaced with Hammurabi's Code.
In the year 2525, if man is still alive, if woman can survive, then the social security system will be totally screwed. We need personal retirement accounts now! Quick, before the aliens come!
Marriage is an ancient, sacred institution that should not be harpooned by peg-legged activist judges who go by the name of Ahab. We will create a constitutional amendment to preserve marriage. This will involve surrounding all remaining married couples with Greenpeace boats.
In this country, human life will never be bought or sold as a commodity. Except in Vegas.
This coming year, Laura Bush will be single-handedly schooling inner city kids. She'll be just like that teacher in Dangerous Minds and will wear a cool leather jacket.
Bush mentioned the Ryan White program, but didn't mention HIV once. He referred to it only as "that disease." On second thought, maybe he meant gingivitis.
One of the great successes of the past few years has been the creation of a new gestapo...er...branch of government to deal with security issues.
We will stay on the offensive until we have won the entire game of RISK.
If we allow hateful ideologies to thrive, they will continue to stalk us and give us unwanted phone calls during the night.
We must confront regimes that are a threat to our national body, like that awful Atkins diet and the Zone.

Last modified: Sat, 05 Feb 2005 13:45:03 -0600