Dear Santa,

How are things at the North Pole? How is Mrs. Claus? I have been very good this year. There are a few things I want to ask you for.

Please bring me an airplane, a bowl of chili, a fairy godmother, vintage buttons, Jupiter (or one of the moons), fake vampire teeth, a teapot shaped like Sonic the hedgehog, a shriner hat, a goose-down jacket that can be worn at base camp, goggles, Foucault's pendulum, world peace, a plastic Tommy gun, papyrus, a T-Rex skeleton, the Holy Grail, Augra's constellation device from The Dark Crystal, more Hot Wheels, Optimus Prime, an abacus, another tattoo, Duncan Idaho as my personal bodyguard, a red Swingline stapler, croutons, pink hair dye, puppets, Vick's VapoRub, an invisibility cloak, tickets to the Ed Sullivan Show, a Doric frieze, a Nehru jacket, apple tarts, and a pony (if you have any left).

That's all I want. Thanks in advance.

Also, please do something about Blue Man Group. They are a like bunch of scary, grown-up Smurfs.

Love,

Karen

P.S. People say you are fat. I think you are fine just the way you are. Please don't get that surgery where they staple your stomach.