- If a man at a haunted house runs at you with a chain saw, it’s best to assume that he is an escaped mental patient who has chosen the perfect setting for his murder and mayhem. Push someone else in front of him.
- You may say "Bloody Mary" twice in front of a mirror, but not three times. (Same with Betelgeuse, Candyman, etc.)
- If an old woman with an eye patch puts an apple in your Trick-or-Treat sack, leave it there till you get home, then use one of those bomb squad robots to blow it up from a safe distance.
- Do not put dry ice down your brother’s pants.
- If you are making out with your boyfriend by the lake and you see someone approach wearing a hockey mask and wielding a long, serrated knife, listen for the tell-tale "ch-ch-ch-ah-ah-ah" noise on the soundtrack. If you don’t hear it, you’re in the clear. He’ll probably just kill the couple next to you.
- Make sure your second head gets plenty of candy, or it might turn against you.
- Don’t conjure up a demon unless you have the means of returning it to hell (i.e., a priest, some holy water, and a splatter-proof Bible).
- Convert to Wicca until the season is over. Witches won’t destroy their own. (Actually, they don’t destroy anyone. Wicca is a peaceful earth religion, as everyone should know. Shame on you for thinking otherwise.)
- Whatever you do, don’t fall asleep.
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