When I heard the candidates were going to be speaking about domestic issues tonight, I was hoping they would be debating about who had the privilege of doing my dishes and my laundry. Alas, twas not to be. All they did was talk about the economy and taxes and stuff.

Nevertheless, here's the third installment of my in-depth series on Bush and Kerry in Debate Land. (This is sort of like Disneyland, without the ten-dollar sodas.) Once again, this is all my approximation of what the candidates said unless denoted by quotes. And even then, don't hold me to it.

Bush and Kerry emerge from their corners, looking jovial and waving at the crowd in a folksy fashion. Kerry is wearing a yellow bracelet. It looks like one of those things they put on your wrist after you show your license at the bar.

Question #1: (to Kerry) Will our children and grandchildren ever live in a world as safe and secure as the world in which we grew up?

K: Yes, they will. They absolutely must. That's the goal. The question is, how do we agree upon it? This president rushed us into a war, pushed alliances away. We are not as safe as we should be. We can do a better job of homeland security. I can do a better job in the war on terror.

B: Yes, we can be more safe and secure, if we stay on the offensive in the war on terror, and if we spread liberty throughout the world. 3/4 of Al Qaeda leaders have been brought to justice. Afghanistan just had elections!

K: When the president had the chance to capture Osama bin Laden, he changed the focus to Iraq. When asked about bin Laden at a press conference, Bush said he wasn't really that worried about him.

Question #2: (to Bush) We find ourselves with a severe shortage of flu vaccine. How did that happen?

B: Well, we relied on a company in England, and their products turned out to be contaminated. The larger problem is that vaccine manufacturers in America are worried about being sued. This is why I'm a proponent of legal reforms.

K: No, it's a problem with the health care system. It's not working. 82,000 Arizonans lost their health insurance on Bush's watch. This president has turned his back on the wellness of America.

B: I want to remind everyone that a plan is not a litany of complaints. He's got to back it up.

Question #3 (to Kerry): Let's talk about economic security. You promised you would not raise the taxes on those making less than $200,000 a year. How can you keep that promise without exploding the deficit?

K: I'll do it by re-instating pay-as-you-go rules. In the Senate, we used to have to show how we would pay for something before we could get a program approved. Let's restore the fiscal discipline we had in the 1990s. I've laid out a plan showing exactly how I'm going to do it. We'll start by rolling back President Bush's tax cuts on people who make more than $200,000 a year.

B: His rhetoric doesn't match his record. He voted to increase taxes 98 times. He talks about being a fiscal conservative, but he voted to ignore the budget caps. He's a colleague of Ted Kennedy, for God's sake! Let's bring some fiscal sanity back to the halls of congress.

(Sidenote: Whenever Bush says the name "Ted Kennedy," that big vein on his neck starts popping out. You'd think he was talking about Vlad the Impaler.)

Question #4 (to Bush): What do you say to someone in this country who's lost his job because it's gone overseas?

B: I'd say, here's some training and some money for college. What we can do is make sure our education system works. We need to invest in 21st century jobs.

(Sidenote: What are 21st century jobs? Working with sprockets on the Jetsons?

K: The President just switched from the topic of jobs to education. But first, let me say that Bush lecturing me on fiscal responsibility is a lot like Tony Soprano giving me a lecture on law and order in this country. As for jobs, they've cut the training money, the college money, and Pell grants.

Question #5 (to Kerry): Many experts say that a president doesn't have much control over jobs. Is it fair to blame the administration for this loss of jobs?

K: I don't blame him entirely. I blame him for the things he could control. Outsourcing is going to happen. What I can promise you is that I will make the playing field as fair as possible. I want to make sure that you as an American are not subsidizing the loss of your own job. This president didn't stand up for Boeing. He had a chance to take on China for trade manipulation, and he didn't. There have been markets shut to us that we haven't stood up and fought for.

B: Let me start with the Pell grants. We've increased Pell grants by a million students. Let me talk to the workers. You've got more money in your pocket as a result of the tax bill I passed and he opposed. You've got child tax credits. I believe the role of government is to stand side by side with people and help them realize their dreams, not tell them how to live their lives.

(Sidenote: Naturally, this doesn't apply to issues of faith or homosexuality. And speaking of which...)

Question #6: (to Bush) Do you believe homosexuality is a choice?

B: I don't know. We respect everyone's rights and profess tolerance, but we shouldn't have to change our views on marriage. I proposed that amendment because I was worried about the state of marriage. I'm deeply concerned that activist judges are trying to redefine marriage.

K: We're all God's children. (And all God's children got rhythm.) I think if you were to talk to Dick Cheney's daughter, she would tell you that she's just being who she was. She's being who she was born as. It's not a choice. I think we have to respect that. The President and I share the view that marriage is between a man and a woman. But I also believe that you can't discriminate, and I'm for partnership rights.

Question #7: (to Kerry) Some Catholic archbiships are telling their parishioners that it would be a sin to vote for you because of your views on abortion and stem-cell research. What do you say to that?

K: Well, I respect their views, but I can't legislate my article of faith. I believe that choice is between a woman, God, and her doctor. (No word yet on whether "her" refers to God or the woman.) I'm not going to allow anyone to come in and change Roe v. Wade. As Kennedy said when he was running for president, "I'm not running as a Catholic president, I'm running as a president who happens to be Catholic."

B: I think it's important to promote a culture of life. I believe the ideal world is one in which every child is welcome. Take partial birth abortion. It's a brutal practice. My opponent voted against that legislation. There are some great alternatives to abortion. Like adoption. And I will continue to fund abstinence programs.

(Sidenote: Many studies are now showing that abstinence-only programs don't work, unless your goal is to create an army of ignorant kids who don't know how to protect themselves from disease. Normal sex-ed programs, on the other hand, have demonstrated efficacy in delaying the onset of sexual activity. Just FYI.)

Question #8: (to Bush) Health care costs are out of control. Who bears responsibility for this?

B: Well, I hope it's not this administration! (laughs) Health care costs are on the rise because the consumers are not involved in the decision-making process. The user of health care is not the purchaser of health care. This is why I'm a strong believer in health savings accounts. I also believe lawsuits are one of the major reasons that health care costs are through the roof.

(Sidenote: Bush adds a peculiar comment here about the horse and buggy days, except that he gets it mixed up and—yes—puts the buggy before the horse.)

K: The reason health care costs are getting higher is that this administration has stood in the way of efforts that would have reduced the costs. The Senate passed a bill that allowed importation of drugs from Canada. Bush blocked it. We wanted Medicare to be able to negotiate drug prices with pharmaceutical companies. Bush didn't allow it and made it illegal to negotiate. Result? $139 billion windfall for drug companies from your pockets. We also have people who are sicker because they don't have health insurance and have not gotten regular check-ups.

B: He has no Senate record to support this.

K: Yes I do. I helped write the early childhood health care legislation in the 1990s.

Question #9: (to Kerry) You have proposed a massive plan to extend health care coverage to children, and you have said that you can pay for this by rolling back the president's tax cuts from the upper 2%. Several news organizations have run the numbers and say you'll need more than that. Where does the money come from?

K: Bush's characterization of my health care plan is incorrect. My plan is simple. You choose your health plan. You choose your doctor. You don't have to participate in this system at all if you don't want to. We take over Medicaid children from the state so that every child in America is covered. We give you broader competition, which lowers prices. We give small business a 50% tax credit so they get a lower cost for covering employees. When people are covered like this, it saves money later. For example, diagnosing diabetes early can save lots of money down the road.

B: His plan will cost $1.3 trillion dollars. Over 20 million people will be included in government level. This will actually provide an incentive for small businesses NOT to cover their people. Government control over health care results in poor quality. Right now, "our health care system is the envy of the world." We don't want to change that.

(Sidenote: What do you think, guys? My guess is that this statement about our health care system being the envy of the world is wrong. That's my guess because countries with socialized medicine by definition have universal coverage. And while we may have brought you the hamburger (as Morrissey astutely pointed out in his latest CD), we have certainly not got anything like universal health coverage.)

K: I am not proposing a government-run program. I'm giving Americans a choice.

Question #10: (to Bush) We all know that social security is running out of money. You have proposed private savings accounts to fix it. Critics say it will cost a trillion dollars over 10 years before this goes into full effect. What do you say to that?

B: First of all, if you are a Social Security recipient, you'll still get your checks. The system is broken, and we need a new strategy. I believe that younger workers ought to be allowed to take some of their money and put it into savings accounts. This will be a vital issue in my second term. There will be a big cost, but the cost of doing nothing is much more.

K: You just heard the president say that young people can take money out of social security and put it into their own accounts. That's an invitation to disaster. There will be a huge hole in Social Security, and a cut in benefits between 25 and 30 percent. Where does the transitional money come from? The president hasn't told you. He's driving the largest deficits in history. I will not privatize Social Security.

Question #11: (to Kerry) You just said you will not cut Social Security benefits. Alan Greenspan said there's no way to pay benefits as promised unless we recalibrate. If you aren't changing this, is this another problem for our children to solve?

K: No, because we'll find other ways. We'll start by paying down the debt. We'll create jobs in America. We'll do what we did in the 1990s and repair Social Security.

B: I didn't hear any plan. We had a recession. We lost jobs. We passed tax relief.

Question #12: (to Bush) At least 8,000 people cross our borders illegally every day. Do you see this as an economic issue, a terror issue, or a human rights issue?

B: I see it as an economic issue, a terror issue, and a human rights issue. We're using new equipment to detect people crossing the border. Many people come here for jobs. I believe there ought to be a temporary worker card. "As long as there's not an American willing to do their job." I don't believe we ought to have amnesty. We shouldn't reward illegal behavior. If they want to become citizens, they can stand in line just like everybody else.

K: One thing about the previous issue. The middle class family is not making it right now. There's a crapload of economic stratification. (Remember, this is just an approximation, kids.) The president broke his promise on immigration reform. The borders are leaking today more than before 9/11. We need to tighten up borders. We need to have a border workers program, but by itself that's not enough. We need an earned legalization program for people.

B: Borders are safer. He doesn't understand how the borders work.

(Sidenote: This would have been the perfect time for a sarcastic retort from Kerry. Something like, "Well at the border there's a long line of Americans and a long line of Mexicans, and they play Red Rover to see who gets to come in. If a Mexican breaks through the line, he gets to stay." Instead we get:)

K: Lots of people cross the border every day.

Question #13: (to Kerry) The gap between rich and poor is growing wider. Is it time to raise the minimum wage?

K: Yes, it's time. We have fought to try to raise the minimum wage over the past four years, but the Republicans won't even allow a vote on it. In my administration, we will raise it to 7 dollars over several years. We also need to hold onto equal pay. Women work for 76 cents on the dollar compared with men in the same job. That's not right. (You're damn RIGHT it's not!) 15 million workers would be positively affected by raising the minimum wage. This would bring about more consumption to get our economy in gear.

B: Actually, there was a plan that I supported. Let me tell you what's more important. Education. The "No Child Left Behind" act is really a jobs act, if you think about it. (And you will have to think REAL Hard.) We now ask states to measure whether a child can read. A lady once told me, "Reading is the new civil right." She's right. We'll never be able to compete unless we have an education system that doesn't give up on children.

Question #14: (to Bush) You didn't answer this question directly before. Would you like to overturn Roe v. Wade?

B: What he's asking is will there be a litmus test for a judge? There won't.

K: Again, he didn't answer the question. I won't appoint a judge who will undo Roe v. Wade. Clearly, the president wants to leave some ambiguity there.

B: He clearly has a litmus test for his judges, which I disagree with.

Question #15: (to Kerry) Bush said he did not favor a draft, and you agreed. The army is overextended, and many are dealing with back-door drafts, etc. What would you do for relief?

K: I think the fact that these things are happening is a reflection of the president's poor judgment in going to war. I would like to see national guard and reserve be deployed differently, within our own country and for the purpose of homeland security. The most important thing is to work with real alliances, and to share the burdens of the world. I believe that the president broke faith with people when he took this country to war.

B: The best way to provide relief is to succeed in Iraq and train Iraqis to protect their own country. None of the people I've talked to viewed the extended service as a back-door draft. My opponent felt we had to pass a global test to go to war. I won't ever ask for permission to defend my country.

K: I have never suggested a test where we turn over our security to any nation. I will never do that. But I think it makes sense to pass a sort of truth standard, that's how you gain legitimacy in the world.

Question #16: (to Bush) You said if Congress extended the ban on assault weapons then you would sign it. But you did nothing to encourage it, and it was not extended. Why?

B: I believe law-abiding citizens ought to be able to buy a gun. I believe in background checks. Prosecute those who commit crimes with guns.

K: I believe it was a failure of leadership not to reauthorize the assault weapon ban. I am a gun owner, and I respect the second amendment. But I'm also a former law enforcement officer, and most law enforcement people wanted that ban. Criminals and terrorists can buy assault weapons in this country. That's messed up.

(Sidenote: You just know Charlton Heston was watching this at home and screaming at the television, "You can have my gun when you pry it from my cold dead fingers!")

Question #17: (to Kerry) Do you see a need for affirmative action programs, or have we moved beyond that?

K: No, regrettably we've not moved far enough along. This administration has even blocked steps that could have helped move us along. In too many parts of our country, we still have discrimination. Affirmative action does not only apply to issues of color, by the way. It also applies to women. Also, this is the first president never to meet with the NAACP or the black congressional caucus.

B: First, it's not true that I haven't met with the black congressional caucus. Second, I agree that we shouldn't have quotas. We should make sure that education is suitable for low and middle income families. Make sure every child learns, and build on their careers with a college diploma.

Question #18: (to Bush) What part does your faith play in your policy decisions?

B: My faith plays a large part in my life. I pray a lot. I pray for my family. I pray for the troops. I pray for my girls. (I pray for the dog down the street. I pray for the Krispy Kreem guy to come by the White House every morning.) When I make decisions, I consult my faith. And through faith-based organizations we will "unleash the armies of compassion."

(Evangelist Bush pounds the podium for emphasis.)

K: I respect everything the president has said. I share his faith. Freedom is a gift from the almighty. I measure the words of the Bible, but other people measure different things, like the Koran. People all find their own ways to express their connectedness with the greater being. I think we have a lot more loving of our neighbor to do in this country and on this planet.

Question #19: (to Kerry) After 9/11, the country came together like never before. Since then, it's become pretty polarized. What would be your plan for addressing this?

K: In those days after 9/11, I think the president did a terrific job. I was moved and impressed by the speech he gave to Congress. We were all just Americans. I regret to say that the president who said he was a uniter, not a divider, is now presiding over the most divided America in history. I'm committed to changing this. I don't care which side an idea comes from—I'll try to find the common ground.

B: I have a record of bipartisanship in my role as governor of Texas, and I was hoping to do that in the White House. Washington is polarized because so many special interests are entrenched there. I'll continue to try to work to bring sides together. By the way, John McCain likes me better than Kerry.

Question #20: (to both) What is the most important thing you've learned from your strong women?

B: To stand up straight and not scowl. I love the strong women around me. Laura's out campaigning for me right now. She speaks English a lot better than I do. At least people understand what she's saying. I saw her at a party and it was love at first sight.

K: We're all lucky people who married up. Some say me more than some, but I can take it. (This is in reference to his wife's billion-dollar fortune.) My wife is wonderful. My mom told me: "integrity, integrity, integrity." My wife and daughters keep me honest. They don't let me get away with anything. I'm blessed.