Every year, tornadoes ravage the Midwest. Although these meteorological temper tantrums cannot be prevented, there are a few things you can do to protect yourself from them. Here are a few tips gleaned from a lifetime spent in lovely Tornado Alley.

The best thing you can do to protect yourself during a tornado is to go to the basement or cellar. Go to the basement if: a) you hear the tornado sirens; b) you hear your local weatherman shrieking at you to take shelter; c) you hear the sound of four seals being broken, followed by eight pairs of hooves; or d) you need one of your power drills. If your home does not have a basement, flee to a neighbor's basement and introduce yourself at once. Be sure to bring your host a small gift, such as a bottle of wine or a generator. Engage in some pleasant conversation, then duck and cover.

Every home should have a first-aid kit. Also, in the event that you are injured and require a tourniquet, a pillowcase tied with Twizzlers will do nicely. That way, when the bones have set and healed, you will not need to make an expensive trip to the doctor. You can simply gnaw through the bonds, all the while enjoying tangy fruit flavor.

A flashlight is a good idea during a tornado, but proper storage is crucial for your family's safety. When the flashlight is not in use, make sure to store the shell of the flashlight in a locked cabinet or drawer, and keep the batteries locked up in a different part of the house. Explain to children that flashlights are not toys, and that if at any time they see a flashlight sitting out unattended, they should tell an adult at once.

If your home experiences a blackout, and you are suffering from technology withdrawal, engage in some creative visualization. Sit quietly in front of the dark television screen and pretend it's tuned to . . . say . . . the Olympics. "Will you look at that? Paul Hamm sure is a trooper. Did you know he's from Wisconsin?" If the withdrawal worsens, you will need to seek treatment. As soon as the storm passes, have a friend drop you off at Best Buy, where you can endure sensory assaults until your bodily systems have stabilized.

If you are in your vehicle when a tornado is coming, seek shelter at immediately. Underpasses are bad because trolls live there. Trolls will demand you pay a toll, even if your life is in danger, and they will not hesitate to give you to the tornado if provoked. Do not stay in your car, either, because when the pressure gradients are in an intense state of opposition—as they are during a tornado—the polarity of the metal in your car will likely become reversed. This will be extremely bad on a subatomic level for whoever happens to be in the car. Ditches are your best bet. These are actually little creases in space-time, and they will briefly transport you to the past should a tornado cross your path.

Remember, a tornado watch is when the conditions are right for a tornado to form.

A tornado warning is when the tornado is actually sitting on your stoop, smoking a stogie, and throwing rocks at passing cars.

Happy hiding!