It's the Fourth of July today, and you know what that means—illegal fireworks for every man, woman, and child! Lawrence banned the use of fireworks several years ago, but there has been no appreciable decrease in their usage since that time. Driving down the street at night means you'll have to pass through the gauntlet of bottle rockets and Roman candles that shoot past your car like debris in an asteroid field. With this in mind, I've compiled a short list of reminders for those hoping to enjoy this important holiday in the safest fashion possible.
- Fireworks are seldom dangerous. Mostly what happens when they explode near you is that your face gets covered in black soot like Yosemite Sam. Afterward, you should snarl menacingly and pledge to get "that blasted varmint" if it's the last thing you do.
- Always make your children light the largest fireworks, as well as those fireworks that are of indeterminate age or origin. It quickens their reflexes.
- Before lighting each firework, take a few moments to remember what this holiday is about. Here are a few examples. On the Fourth of July, America celebrates:
- Freedom from occupation by the British. Or was it the French and Indians?
- Taxation without representation
- Fighting the commie pinko hippies
- Ending women's suffrage (they've suffered enough)
- Hot dogs, potato salad, and an imperialist foreign policy
- A day off work at the plant (hell yeah, bro! Bust open a can of Hamm's!)
- It's best not to play "save your buddy from the grenade" by screaming "Nooooo!" and throwing your body over an industrial pack of Black Cats.
- While out with your friends, repeatedly sing that Nirvana song about where bad folks go when they die, mumble along with the words you don't understand, and then shout "till the Fourth of July" with a clever grin every time it comes around.
- Don't cry when your fingers are blown off. Lee Greenwood wouldn't cry, would he? Would he? Answer me, Jimmy!
- Remind paramedics that the sixth amendment guarantees you the right to a speedy surgery.
- Be sure to keep saluting the flag while the doctors are reattaching your other arm.
Have a happy and safe Fourth, suckers!