Bob Davis Interviews Three Applicants for the Human Resources Job

Bob Davis: Hi, I'm Bob Davis, the vice-president in charge of Human Resources for Polaris Inc. I hope you don't mind the group interview format, but we have a lot of promising applicants and this is the best way for me to get a sense of who you are and whether you'd be suited for the position of Human Resources supervisor. So, I'd like you all to tell me a bit about yourselves and your previous employment experiences. Tell me why you believe you are qualified for this position.

The Grand Inquisitor: Ahem. Well, I spear-headed the Inquisition program for several years, and that taught me a lot about conflict resolution and how to deal constructively with difficult employees. I was also responsible for incorporating some fun, teambuilding exercises into the workplace. An interrogation session can be a great icebreaker for employees who don't know each other very well.

Bob Davis: Wonderful things, those teambuilding exercises. And the gentleman next to you?

Rasputin: I was the personal advisor to the Romanov family until some unfortunate events necessitated my departure. I also have a great deal of experience with molding corporate images.

Bob Davis: Great! Any special skills that you feel would be useful as the HR supervisor?

Rasputin: I cannot be killed.

Bob Davis: (chuckling) Well I don't think you'd have much of a chance to demonstrate that particular skill in this company. We haven't had an assassination of a human resources employee yet. But who knows, the year is still young, right? Hehe. Seriously, though, I think immortality is an enviable skill, and I'm sure we could all learn a thing or two from you. Now let's hear from the gentleman in the black jeans. Mr....Mustaine, is it?

Dave Mustaine: Yeah.

Bob Davis: Your hair is very long. How do you keep it manageable?

Dave Mustaine: Conditioner, and my own mixture of egg whites and motor oil.

Bob Davis: Is that motor with an umlaut? I know you metal types are pretty fond of umlauts. Hehe. Well, to the point. What sort of qualifications do you have for this position? What experience do you have with managing personnel issues?

Dave Mustaine: Well, back in '84 David and Greg were having this argument on the tour bus about how to distribute the groupies fairly cause David like blondes and Greg liked brunettes and they couldn't agree...

Bob Davis: (laughing uncomfortably) Fantastic! Well, that about wraps it up.

Dave Mustaine: (still rambling)... And I said, come one guys, we'll rotate, like clockwise...

Bob Davis: I'll call each of you when I've made a final decision. Thanks for your time.

Dave Mustaine: (grinning widely) ... And then everyone was happy, but they still couldn't agree on the beer situation...

Bob Davis sighs deeply and leaves Dave Mustaine alone in the room, talking to himself.

Mitchum Mayhem

And now, I'd like to have a private word with the Mitchum antiperspirant people. I've seen your Mitchum Man ads, and I'd like to advise you to stop before you embarrass yourselves further. The stuff the men do in these ads--persuading a woman that the intimate photos he's taking are for his personal collection, then sharing them with everyone he knows--that's not edgy and cool, it's just creepy. Men who do stuff like this go to jail. And if creepy is truly what you're going for, why not take it a step further with something like this?:

"If you drilled a hole in her wall so that you could watch her anytime day or night ... you might be a Mitchum Man."

See what I mean?

It's obvious why this campaign was launched. It has everything to do with the success of body sprays like Axe and Tag that are marketed toward younger consumers, most of whom have to get their moms to drive them to the store to buy it. But the Axe and Tag ads succeed where the Mitchum ones fail. Don't get me wrong, there's plenty that's offensive about the Axe/Tag campaigns. (A qualified feminist could easily find at least 30 mistakes of misogyny and gendertyping in each ad. Imagine a grown-up version of the back cover of Highlights Magazine.) But these ads are more palatable because they exude a fun, non-threatening, boys-will-be-boys kinda vibe. They are effective in selling an image to men, and yet the whole business comes off as harmless burlesque to women. It's genius, really. You watch it, you roll your eyes, maybe you laugh that they had the audacity to invent something called the Order of the Serpentine, and then you move on. That's why it works. Because it's ridiculous and over the top. But if I were at a guy's house and I opened the medicine cabinet to see a Mitchum body spray, I'd run for the hills. You see, after watching their ads, I associate Mitchum antiperspirant with greasy guys in trenchcoats who feel women up on the subway. It's a yucky, not-at-all attractive image.

You guys know what I'm saying, right? I'm talking about the difference between charming Eric "Otter" Stratton and Sleazemaster Quagmire. Meeting women through the obituaries is one thing. But when the lights go off, "Giggidy-giggidy" is the last thing any woman wants to hear.

Jai

A guy I know named Jai recently asked me to blog about him and his thrilling life. Here's what I came up with.

One day Jai went to a department store with his robot. The clerk was like, "you can't bring your robot in here." And Jai was like, "the hell I can't." And the clerk was like, "is it a seeing-eye robot? Cause only seeing-eye robots are permitted in this store." And Jai was like "Sure, why not? Yeah, it's a seeing-eye robot. Now will you get off my back?" And the clerk was like, "No way, I think you're lying. I don't think you're really blind." And then Jai was like, "I'm not blind, but this is totally a seeing-eye robot, and that's all that matters according to your own rules." And then the clerk was like, "But you shouldn't have a robot here if you're not blind." And then Jai was like "What, do you have some kind of sick prejudice against people who can see? I'm calling the ACLU right now." And then the clerk was like, "I'd rather you didn't. Let's see if we can handle this more professionally." And then the robot shot lasers out of its eyes and incinerated the clerk.

THE END.