I Would Like:

To host my own surrealist cooking show, which may or may not have anything to do with the preparation of food.

To invent a space-age weapon that could reduce a human being to a pile of cotton candy. It would have a candy corn setting, for safety.

To play old-school Nintendo with Bruce Campbell.

Mayonnaise, if it didn't make that awful sound when stirred.

You to purchase a 50-inch television and leave it outside my door.

Ray Liotta better if he wasn't always beating up someone named Karen in his films.

Some more coffee, please.

To do something about all the crocodiles in the sewers.

To recreate the film American Psycho with finger puppets.

To know why I don't have a planet or astral body named after me yet.

It if fleas could be carpenters, but who would make their teeny tiny hammers?

To buy a haunted house and fill it with balloons.

Jon Stewart to be president.

To be a pirate. A sexy pirate.

To know why some of the animals on my farm have started walking upright.

World of Warcraft to be the national pastime.

Aqua Teen Hunger Force to be the national television show.

To show you my Heisman Trophy. Please step into the den.

To bake you a batch of cookies shaped like famous South American revolutionaries.

To cover my arms with tattoos.

Someone to teach me kung fu.

To tell you that I climbed Mount Everest in only a bikini and snow boots. But I can't, because that would be a lie.

To destroy every existing copy of The Wizard of Oz.

Aquaman better if he had a useful superpower.

To end this list with something monumentally clever. Too bad I forgot to think of something that would qualify.